closet vomit

In light of my recent changes that have kept me constantly busy and away from blogging, I have decided to share some influences in my life that have been the cause behind my life lately, as well as my fashion inclinations. 

I have never envisioned myself to be in fashion. I have also never envisioned myself to make writing a job. The unfortunate reality of my pursuit to be a journalist and a part of the fashion industry is that it was not my childhood dream. Sometimes I wish I could say I was a well-dressed young girl daydreaming about beautiful clothes and flipping through my mother’s Vogue when nobody was home, but in actuality, I was a dirty-knees tomboy who sported OshKosh overalls and had high aspirations to be a herpetologist and a botanist (simultaneously, of course). 

Despite my obscure interests and gender-variant clothing choices as a child, I always feel like I had a slight sense of femininity in the back of my mind during my coming-of-age. My sense of style was incredibly dynamic following the first time my mother let me shop at the mall at age eleven; after being teased throughout elementary school for wearing shoulder-padded blazers and not Abercrombie & Fitch, I was ready to wear clothes that would redeem myself. I picked out things at the mall that I had never worn before- boots, patterned skirts, slightly-revealing shirts… and I utterly failed. When I walked into my first day of middle school I realized the inevitable truth that I would never fit into normality. And I was happy. 

Throughout my adolescence, I experimented with every look possible in hopes of discovering what I like. Up until my senior year of high school, I tried on many costumes: goth, bohemian, menswear, indie, pin-up. There was even a point in time where my ultimate goal was to look exactly like Zooey Deschanel in (500) Days of Summer, fringe bangs and all. Despite my extreme experimentation with fashion in my life, I never thought of it as a serious hobby of mine, let alone a career choice. I had always dreamed of becoming a photographer, but never thought of other ways to utilize my skills outside of one day photographing weddings and high-school seniors. 

Another influence I have had in my life is my subscription to NYLON Magazine, which I have had since the eighth grade. I loved listening to new bands and reading the amazing articles about fashion, music, and culture. In 2010 (2011?), the late Peaches Geldof wrote an article titled “She’s The One,” which described the “It” girls of modern culture that served as artistic muses, role models, and fashion icons. Not only did I want to BE one, I wanted to write the way that Peaches wrote in her monthly column- enthusiastic about culture and fashion, and absolutely unique. When first reading this article, it crossed my mind that I wanted to have the writing career she had, which I shrugged off quickly, excusing it as “unrealistic” and “not substantial.” I hid this aspiration from myself out of fear of not being successful.

Upon starting college, I had absolutely no idea what I wanted to do. To cover up my feelings of being lost, I convinced myself that majoring in psychology and working towards pharmacy school was my calling. I pretended my life was lined up perfectly: I chose a major, I had been with my boyfriend for a year, I had a close relationship with my family and I had the same steady job for almost two years. However, something always felt like it was missing. I never thought I would be capable of finding a career that was both artful and plausible, and I felt that I would eventually like my area of study if I forced myself to. More things started to disappear in my life: I hated my classes, I broke up with my boyfriend, I left my job and started a new one. Everything felt extremely wrong and I was constantly miserable. One morning, a close friend of mine suggested I dress up for my day so I could feel more centered and focused. I sulked while getting dressed for another miserable day and started walking to class. Looking around, I realized people were looking at me in my shiny new outfit. And I felt powerful. I felt attractive for the first time since my (nasty) break-up and my confidence grew stronger. And my day was amazing. 

So here I am, months later, and I have found happiness in my self-actualization that I want to spend the rest of my life writing about and exploring fashion. I have realized that my fashion exploration has always been a part of me and I am just realizing it now. I am now nearly halfway through school pursuing a B.A. in Journalism and Mass Communication, and, of course, posting my outfits and personal growth for all of you. I am very proud to say that I love what I am doing now: I love my major, I love my job, and I love my new home in the city. And I don’t feel lost anymore.