Blogging is really fucking hard. Even though anybody could make a website and write about themselves on a regular basis, people don’t realize the difficulty that comes with being scrutinized by others and feeling like you’re talking to a wall all the time (seriously, are you guys reading this? leave a comment below so I know you exist, please! ♡). Out of all the struggles I find with being a digital creator, the biggest one I have is one that I created for myself, and I know this issue affects other bloggers as well. This is really difficult for me to talk about publicly on the Internet.
I hate my body.
Okay, so does everybody else. But it has affected my relationship with food, with people, and with my blog. Being in photographs all the time has created this emotional stress for me, and over the past few years, it has downward-spiraled into this terrible neuroticism about everything I eat, every photograph I post, and every outfit I wear. I always tell you guys to wear whatever you want, and I wish I took my own advice. Sometimes I won’t wear an outfit that I feel is really awesome because I don’t like the way I look in it. I always find myself saying, “That would look amazing on somebody else.”
It’s important to remember that things you see on social media and in editorials aren’t necessarily real. And this is okay! Everybody wants to look their best, and everybody wants their product to look their best, and they have the right to present things however they want. But it is important to be conscious about this. I have forgotten about this. I have had to step away from scrolling through Instagram for my own mental health because I see all of these beautiful skinny women and begin to compare myself. I am sick of comparing myself. Bloggers want to put their best foot forward and post their best photos, and some of us can get carried away and forget why people follow us: because we are ourselves.
In real life, I have turned into this crazy, self-scrutinizing person that isn’t who I really am. People are telling me I need help. There was a point in time when I fainted at work because I had only eaten 200 calories a day for over a week. I have gotten much better since then, but having horrible thoughts about yourself when looking in the mirror is poisonous for you. Especially when you have no idea what you actually look like anymore.
I don’t think I have an eating disorder. I just think that I was too hard on myself and have had some issues with body dysmorphia. But I want you to know this because not everyone lives their life the way it looks on the internet. Things can go wrong. Even the most confident of people have their cloudy days. And I am ready for mine to pass.
This set of photos has been a beginning to regaining my confidence. I felt so happy and comfortable with myself with this outfit, and if it makes me look funny, whatever. If it doesn’t get me 78932320 likes, whatever. I felt great.
Thanks for being here with me.
SHOES BY SAINT LAURENT + DRESS BY ALLEN ALLEN | PHOTOGRAPHED BY AUSTIN MARSDEN