closet vomit

STILL GOTTA WAKE UP AND BE SOMEONE

9w7a1413

I enjoy being alone. Outside of time with my partner and the occasional interaction with a friend or family member, I am always alone, in my own thoughts and quiet. I live alone and take in the silence while I work on the blog or do my homework. I read The New Yorker or write out my intentions for the day while taking the train to school. I almost always have headphones in when I am walking down the street, and am usually cooking and listening to podcasts at home. I am an introvert towards anyone who isn’t close to me.

9w7a1310

I wasn’t always this way. As a high schooler, I was outgoing and impulsive. I was loud, upfront, and had no boundaries with others. I went out with friends more. I never felt reserved and needed much less quiet time than I do now. Though I blame much of my evolution of self on aging, I also know that my rape experience had a huge impact on who I am as a person. I went into the hardest, most traumatizing event of my life a colorful and rambunctious human being, and came out the other side, though cleansed of depression and negativity, a monochromatic and quiet individual. I have accepted myself for who I have become and have no issues with not being the person I once was, as it is all part of the process of adulthood, but I can’t help but feel nostalgic for the days when I felt inclined to be surrounded by people and was always colorful. Literally: I had such a wide array of colors in my closet in high school, if you can believe it. It represented who I was at the time, and I never look back at old outfits and feel any sort of regret or embarrassment. I never blended in, and I was always okay with that. I don’t think I blend in now, but I would argue that I am slightly more normal than my days of wearing band shirts under cocktail dresses (which is still cool, and I highly recommend).

I’m deciding to write this now because I had these calm and solemn feelings this week, and I noticed them the most when curled up and reading an essay on the train home Tuesday night. I had my headphones in without music, and I was reading an essay about a woman with a skin condition that led her to live in the dark for a decade. And I felt the happiest in this situation. That’s how I know I’ve become an introvert. I thrive the most when I am alone or in one-on-one situations. My sixteen-year-old self would have never thought this would happen, but she can kiss my ass.

FLANNEL BY UNIQLO. DRESS BY LUSH (FROM T.MADISON). SANDALS BY FRANCO SARTO. DENIM BY LEVI’S.

SHOT BY DILLON JOHNSON.

Until next post. xx

P.S. saw a frog the size of my face when we were shooting this and I went after it! best part of the day because they are my favorite.

9w7a1232 9w7a1256 9w7a1316 9w7a1388 9w7a1405 9w7a1435