closet vomit

my struggle with being pansexual and a blogger

my struggle with being pansexual and a blogger

There are a lot of firsts in life. The first time you ride a bike, the first time your parents let you sleep over at a friend’s house. Your first kiss. The first time you see your parents fight. It’s endless, but every memory lives vividly in your mind as time goes on.

I remember the first time I was bullied for being gay.

I was a sophomore in high school and had only been out of the closet for about a year, but word hadn’t spread very far at my school that I liked girls. I was going out with a girl at my high school who I liked a lot. She was very androgynous and was a hockey player, and, due to us both having cropped Justin Bieber haircuts (LOL) it was, ahem, very obvious that we were not straight. 

I can still hear people yelling “dyke!” and I can vividly remember people throwing food at me when I sat down at lunchtime holding her hand.

Although most people I cared about were very accepting of me at a young age, it was always painful to feel rejected for something I couldn’t help. I always told myself that, in the magical land of adulthood, it would be easier. Everyone would treat me the same as anybody else, and I would not only be accepted, but also celebrated amongst my peers for being myself. This is not always a reality.

Homophobia can be rampant in the blogging world. There have been people in my life who were friends to me at one point, but as soon as I speak openly about my sexual orientation, they disappear, or, even worse, treat me differently. I don’t know many femme-identifying bloggers who are also queer. In fact, I can count on one hand how many queer women I have met through blogging. It can feel lonely, and for a long time I was extremely afraid to talk about my sexuality on my Instagram.

A couple months ago, I decided to be open with you all about the fact I am a pansexual, non-binary person. This was a scary thing for me — I had seen other friends come out on Instagram and they lost a huge amount of their following. I was also afraid this would affect which projects I get to work on, as well as the friendships I’ve made through blogging. But, since all of you are such wonderful people, it was a positive experience to talk with all of you about this huge part of who I am that I am open about in my private life, but keep to myself online. So for that, I want to say thank you so much. I feel so much more confident in myself after having the chance to talk more with you about this.

June is always a special month for me, since it is Pride Month and everyone really lets their confidence shine through at parades and events. I especially hold it close to my heart because, on my first trip to NYC in 2013, I was able to experience NYC’s pride celebration. I bought a rainbow flag and couldn’t contain my excitement when I saw all the different types of people, people just like me, who were all so beautiful in their own way. That was when I decided I wanted to live in NYC someday. 

Here’s a photo from that day:

 

On that note, I don’t want to be so timid anymore! I want to share more about my sexuality and gender identity here, and I need your help. In whatever form of communication is best for you, whether it be a comment, a DM, an email — I want to know what questions you have or what advice you need on this topic. I am here to create for you, and I want to help! Let me know what posts you want to see in the future on the topic of LGBTQ experiences or gender identity. Let’s get creative together!

Until next post. xx